its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
