he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
