I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
