And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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