so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
