I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
