yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My hand turned me down
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Boobs speak an international language.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize