onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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