Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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