im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
