I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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