You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
