I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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