Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
