i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
my liver is dry heaving
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
