i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
