i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
