Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
