i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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