You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
