I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
