Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
