JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
