yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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