just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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