i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
