Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
