Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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