I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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