Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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