It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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