You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
