I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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