I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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