if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
