dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize