Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Sober January is a disaster.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
