I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize