i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
