Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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