did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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