I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
