Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
