guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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