So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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