I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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