I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
