I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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