guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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