It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
