You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
