The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He? As in you personified your dick?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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