I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
