Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
