she was so not down for the gang bang
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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