You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
