He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
