I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
