Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
