I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Boobs are out for the taking
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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