My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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