It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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