My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
