I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
