i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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