my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
