if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
