I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am available for nakedness
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
