woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
