R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
