some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
