well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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