when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
