just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck me I smell like cheese
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
