if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
