I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
