I wish I could punch you in the face.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
