I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
