Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
