The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
