Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
